November 7, 2012

Well, Today was horrible. I got kicked during class, pestered, called a bitch and a freak. Why can't people be nice for once? Maybe this is just human nature, if so, it's extremely depressing. I know I pretend it doesn't hurt, but truly, it's slowly tearing me apart. My insides feel flimsy and insecure,  numbness. I feel like purging over and over again just to get rid of the nasty after taste of their stabbing words. Starving has become my new priority. I've lost myself in the numbing effects of this deadly disease. I know I'm playing with fire and that one wrong move could cause the end of me, but I'm too lost to care. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, would anyone hear me? Would they notice the hurt? Of course not, they don't know, they think I'm better; all patched up and new. They are so wrong, how naive people can be, it's amazing. People have asked me if this hurts and I reply with no. Because all in all, it doesn't. It burns, it rips, it shreads up the pieces I have left and rearranges them to a point of oblivion. It turns the insides out and bleeds for everyone to see. But it doesn't stop with that, the dreams, the agony, the constant hateful thoughts and slicing words. Spiderwebs of lies knit themselves to your insides and place a comfort in your empty being. Secrecy is your new high, your new treasury. You hold to the curse because you can't find yourself and you plead with it; you play the sick little games and do as it says hoping in turn it will let you go. But does it? Oh, dear, of course.... NOT. So, does it hurt? No, it fucking numbs me to the bones, freezes my composure and tells me how to feel. Is it  pleasant? Are you sane? How could you ask that? This is fire burning ice and ice freezing fire. The cold waves slapping against an abandoned shore over and over again. Why can't I give you up? When you slapped, why didn't I cower and walk away unharmed? Following you doesn't make me any better, so why do I do it? Do I love your hollow comfort, your empty and shallow heart? What maddening factor led me to this strong hatred to myself to allow you into my life? You force my fingers down my throat and force up sadness and anger and hatred. You empty me of myself and tell me lies of who I should be, and I listen, I listen. Why? I crawl into bed at night and you feed my brain with fears and hatred. This game is deadly and yet I play, do I expect a different outcome? Isn't that insanity, doing things over and over again in hopes of getting a different result? I'm sorry I even posted this, it's way too deep into my thoughts....I know I'm not right anymore. Please don't judge.

Long time, no post :(

Hi there, sorry I haven't posted anything lately. I've been dealing with more issues than I ever thought possibe. I was sent to the hospital for suicidal thoughts and had to stay there for four days. Two weeks ago, on Saturday, I was discharged. Not much happened before that time period. Well, except for me moving to my dad's house, which was not of my choosing. I am, once again, tring to lose weight; I gained so much. At this moment I am still kind of depressed and in somewhat of a manic state of mind. Lately, I've been thinking of not eating and skipping, I know this would mean relapsing, but I think I'm ready to throw it all away.... Sorry, I know you all were probably hoping for me to get better, but to be honest, I'm not ready to give it all up. On a brighter note I went on a trip to Colorado with my mom for the weekend. The trip went spectacular and my mom and I are on much better terms. I get that returning to my behaviors will wreck our relationship, and that, in itself,  should stop me... Right? Wrong. Why do I want to keep doing this to myself? I'm not quite sure of this myself, but maybe I just want to die. It's a scary thought to cope with, but based on my behaviors and thoughts, it seems that's the only logical outcome of this. Sorry to mention that bit, but it is so very true. I hope none of you have to go through this and if youfeel like you must, I am so very sorry. Please, if anyone of you needs help, message me! I am available and I will listen! Seriously, mail me, I may be too far into this, but that doesn't mean I don't give a shit about saving others, because I do. Someday, hopefully, I'll be ready to face my fears and be rid of this ugly disease, but for now, I'm afraid that just cannot happen. Well, I hope you all can enjoy this day, I will post soon.

Scared

Yesterday I got evaluated by a lady who works with Children's Hospital. It went terribly: I am dehydrated, low heart beat (42 beats per minute), ketones in urine, anxiety diorder, and depression. I have anorexia with purge subtype also known as EDNOS (Eating diorder not otherwise specified), great right? My stomach keeps growling and I'm so hungry , but I can't eat. The muscles in my body are starting to deteriorate and I really could care less, I'm happy about it. On Monday I may have to be admitted to inpatient treatment for 2-4 weeks (it'll be hell). I'll probably end up slipping right back into it just like before. Honestly, I think I'd rather die than have food shoved into my face. I weigh 121, I don't want to gain it all back. I'm not allowed to write when I go there and this may be my last post for a while. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

So long,
        Maxine</3

Numbers

Sorry I havn't posted in a while. Good news though, I've been eating nuts and running three miles everyday. At the moment I weigh 123.2, that is the least I have weighed in two years!!!! I am so happy. Goodbye recovery weight, I'm throwing you in the trash, HA!

Just Breathe...

School was a little rough today. I did 300 squats, 200 lunges, and ran 2 miles last night which did not help me get through Phys ED today. We ran a mile outside, it was so cold!  So far my intake has been a palmful of mixed nuts, that's the only thing I've had since yesterday afternoon. I'm trying to stay below 500 calories today, I've done good so far. Today has to be my luckiest day of the week due to my discovery that today is lent. Instead of giving up food completely, I'm going vegan since I went vegetarian for last year's lent and I'm planning to carry it out as a lifestyle (my mom is totally agianst it, oh well). Are any of you giving up anything for lent, if so, I would love to hear about it:)

I don't believe in God, and if anyone has a problem with it, deal, it's my opinion. Lent is mostly an excuse for me to not eat and since my mom is such an oh-so-good catholic, she respects that I have given up something and makes me stick with it. My mom and I get in a ton of fights so I'm pretty happy that we can agree on this one thing. I think that a lot of this eating disorder has to do with people around me and influences, if you get what I mean?

People are so ignorant sometimes, I hate it. They only see what they want, they will never see what is right before their eyes. That is mostly why I don't trust counselors and their, so called words of strength. Their words do Not give me strength, they just piss me off. Buuuutttt, there is a good side to my day (besides lent)...... I now weigh 127!!!!!!! I am PSYCHED! Hopefully tomorrow goes over well.

Sorry this was such a long post,
                                   
                                      Maxine♥

Sweet Obsession

For those who don't know me, I've been struggling with anorexia with bulimic tendancies. I promised myself I wouldn't let the voices back in, but I missed them... and now, I'm back to my old habits. Like the old saying says: "Old habits never die." This is NOT a thinspiration, pro ana, pro mia blog; this is just simply a place where I can talk about my daily struggles. Feedback is totally 100% acceptable, even if it is hate mail.

Today I'm going to start the ABC diet, if you don't know what it is, look it up. I will not explain this to someone who doesn't already know. I will post my intakes daily, no matter how embarrassing.

ABOUT ME

I am fourteen and have been dealing with anorexia since I was nine, I tried recovering at the age of twelve, but couldn't stand the weight gain. Now I'm back in the obsessive cycle of weight loss goals.

Well, hope you don't mind the ranting,

With love
        Maxine ♥