Long time, no post :(

Hi there, sorry I haven't posted anything lately. I've been dealing with more issues than I ever thought possibe. I was sent to the hospital for suicidal thoughts and had to stay there for four days. Two weeks ago, on Saturday, I was discharged. Not much happened before that time period. Well, except for me moving to my dad's house, which was not of my choosing. I am, once again, tring to lose weight; I gained so much. At this moment I am still kind of depressed and in somewhat of a manic state of mind. Lately, I've been thinking of not eating and skipping, I know this would mean relapsing, but I think I'm ready to throw it all away.... Sorry, I know you all were probably hoping for me to get better, but to be honest, I'm not ready to give it all up. On a brighter note I went on a trip to Colorado with my mom for the weekend. The trip went spectacular and my mom and I are on much better terms. I get that returning to my behaviors will wreck our relationship, and that, in itself,  should stop me... Right? Wrong. Why do I want to keep doing this to myself? I'm not quite sure of this myself, but maybe I just want to die. It's a scary thought to cope with, but based on my behaviors and thoughts, it seems that's the only logical outcome of this. Sorry to mention that bit, but it is so very true. I hope none of you have to go through this and if youfeel like you must, I am so very sorry. Please, if anyone of you needs help, message me! I am available and I will listen! Seriously, mail me, I may be too far into this, but that doesn't mean I don't give a shit about saving others, because I do. Someday, hopefully, I'll be ready to face my fears and be rid of this ugly disease, but for now, I'm afraid that just cannot happen. Well, I hope you all can enjoy this day, I will post soon.