November 7, 2012

Well, Today was horrible. I got kicked during class, pestered, called a bitch and a freak. Why can't people be nice for once? Maybe this is just human nature, if so, it's extremely depressing. I know I pretend it doesn't hurt, but truly, it's slowly tearing me apart. My insides feel flimsy and insecure,  numbness. I feel like purging over and over again just to get rid of the nasty after taste of their stabbing words. Starving has become my new priority. I've lost myself in the numbing effects of this deadly disease. I know I'm playing with fire and that one wrong move could cause the end of me, but I'm too lost to care. Sometimes I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, would anyone hear me? Would they notice the hurt? Of course not, they don't know, they think I'm better; all patched up and new. They are so wrong, how naive people can be, it's amazing. People have asked me if this hurts and I reply with no. Because all in all, it doesn't. It burns, it rips, it shreads up the pieces I have left and rearranges them to a point of oblivion. It turns the insides out and bleeds for everyone to see. But it doesn't stop with that, the dreams, the agony, the constant hateful thoughts and slicing words. Spiderwebs of lies knit themselves to your insides and place a comfort in your empty being. Secrecy is your new high, your new treasury. You hold to the curse because you can't find yourself and you plead with it; you play the sick little games and do as it says hoping in turn it will let you go. But does it? Oh, dear, of course.... NOT. So, does it hurt? No, it fucking numbs me to the bones, freezes my composure and tells me how to feel. Is it  pleasant? Are you sane? How could you ask that? This is fire burning ice and ice freezing fire. The cold waves slapping against an abandoned shore over and over again. Why can't I give you up? When you slapped, why didn't I cower and walk away unharmed? Following you doesn't make me any better, so why do I do it? Do I love your hollow comfort, your empty and shallow heart? What maddening factor led me to this strong hatred to myself to allow you into my life? You force my fingers down my throat and force up sadness and anger and hatred. You empty me of myself and tell me lies of who I should be, and I listen, I listen. Why? I crawl into bed at night and you feed my brain with fears and hatred. This game is deadly and yet I play, do I expect a different outcome? Isn't that insanity, doing things over and over again in hopes of getting a different result? I'm sorry I even posted this, it's way too deep into my thoughts....I know I'm not right anymore. Please don't judge.